Living with Infertility- Clomid Round 2 Update

Well, it has been a while since I wrote about our 2nd round of Clomid. My last update was about going in for the blood work. We've since got the results back and it's not good news.

Round 2 didn't work. Which, I suspected it wouldn't. I don't really know why. Maybe I was being realistic or maybe I just had some sort of intuition. My ovaries stayed stubborn, my progesterone didn't rise and I didn't ovulate.

It was a big bummer. I was okay at first and then I had a nice long crying spell and now I am still sad but... it is what it is, right? I can't change it now. I did everything I could and it didn't work. So we move on.

Moving on is kind of the hard part. My NP can't give me any more medication. She has to send me off to her doctor now. From what I know at this point he'll want to do another round of 100mg Clomid and see if that helps, if not he'll probably try me on a different medication.

Right now I don't really want to do anything else. Husband and I have talked at length about this and we think the best option for us is to take a break for the rest of the year. I'm trying to decide if I want to go on birth control and see if that will help regulate my cycle a little bit or if I just want to keep off meds altogether until January or so and make an appointment with the doctor then.

The break is for a few reasons. There's money, for one. Infertility isn't cheap. I kind of would rather be buying Christmas gifts than paying to be jabbed with needles every month. And then there's how hard this has been on me emotionally. I have really struggled. I'm at a point now where I can be happy for most people when they announce they are pregnant and still feel okay being sad for myself. I've worked hard to get here. I don't want to fall back into being jealous or angry. And frankly, I'm just tired of being sad all the time. Trying to get pregnant is just a constant, daily reminder that I am messed up somehow and can't get knocked up. Daily prenatals, doctor visits once a month, blood work, I can't take Advil, etc. I think taking a break from being reminded that I'm infertile would be nice.

The nurse has said she thinks it could help my cycles and that in a lot of cases women go on birth control for 3 months and get off of it and immediately get pregnant. I'm not holding my breath for THAT but doing something productive to regulate my cycles seems promising, at the very least.

So anywho... that's that. The update. Nothing worked. We're pretty sure we know where we're going with this next. It's hard and it feels like taking a step backward and it's really difficult to think that we'll be purposefully preventing pregnancy and we won't have a chance of getting pregnant this year, but it feels like the best choice right now in the few that we've been given.

I am sending so much love to everyone out there struggling with fertility. I hope you get your miracle soon. Sister on. 

My Word- Hope

I want to incorporate a word into my life. Something that holds meaning to me, that I feel I need to focus on. A word that encompasses my world right now. Words are so powerful. We breathe them in and out. We can build nations with them or we can tear people apart with them. Words move you, they shake you, they make you get up and do something. They change you. Words are important.

My word is HOPE.

Today I go in for my blood work. We'll find out this week if the 2nd round of Clomid worked or not. Today, I need HOPE.

Let me be honest. I am a very realistic person. Sometimes, realism seems like cynicism or pessimism. Maybe sometimes it is. A person wears a coat of realism to hide their inner cynic. Personally, I don't think I'm a cynic or a pessamist. I think I'm honest with myself and I don't believe we'll get the good news we long for. I think we'll hear back that Clomid didn't work again. Part of this is because it didn't work last time, so there's nothing to prove to me yet that it CAN work. Part of it is to defend my heart a little, because last time I was so sure it had worked and was completely swept out to sea when we found it hadn't.

My realism doesn't stifle my hope.

I am realistic about this journey, knowing everything that I know. I know that not everyone gets their happy ending or their miracle. I know that I am lucky to have had children at all and I'm grateful to have the chance to be a mother. I know that infertility is expensive and can take years to see any improvement. I know that I'm nearing my 30's and your fertility takes a nose dive. I'm realistic, see? Knowledge.

But I have hope and I will keep fighting for the hope and I will remember that I decided to take on HOPE as my own word and think on it every day. I believe that the best is yet to come. I believe that we are meant to be parents again. I don't know how or when, but I know that it's supposed to happen. One day we'll welcome a child to us and all the pieces will fit together. I know that there will be really bad days where I will cry and hate hoping, because hoping makes it all harder when things don't work out, but I know that this journey isn't going to end for us. Not yet. I really do believe.

I'm lucky enough to have a partner that doesn't waiver and really believes that this will all work out. He is a rock. Not once has he stopped hoping. That gives me strength to keep going. I couldn't get through this without the wonderful person that he is.

This has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm writing this out for my own benefit, to come back to when I need it. I hope that wherever you are, whatever you are going through, you will keep a close guard on your hope and never let it go. Hope is what makes us dream.

Clomid- Round 2

I'm starting my 2nd round of Clomid. It feels much different than the first. I had very high hopes last time and I really thought it had worked. But my blood work confirmed I'd never ovulated, which was totally unexpected and it crushed me. It took me a long time, a couple of months, to feel ready for the 2nd try and now that it's here I'm anxious and scared and I have no expectation built up.

This cycle I'm not using any fertility tracking, I'm not stressing over having sex every day or putting my legs up the wall after. I'm just going to go about my business as usual and hope for the best. It's all I can do right now.

I'm crossing my fingers and toes that it works this time. I'm not even looking to get pregnant right now, I'm just hoping to ovulate so I know that my ovaries are working. Little steps. Little hopes. It's hard to put on a brave face. The next few weeks are going to drag. Blood work on the 21st cycle day will confirm what happened up in here, so body, listen up! It's time to do your job. Pop out an egg or two. Make me happy.

Living with Infertilty- An Update

I know there probably isn't anyone out there reading this and that's okay. It's more so that I have something to look back on one day and remember how it was.

I'll be into the 60's of my cycle this week. I'm cycle day fifty something now. Sixty will fall on Friday or Saturday. No period, no signs of a period. I had said back when we found out that our first round of Clomid didn't work that I'd call at 60 days and ask for Provera to get it started. Coming up on that date now, I am dreading it and hating having to call and hating that my body won't just act normally. Even if it didn't ovulate, I'd love for my uterus to at least shed itself at the proper time.

I'm feeling let down by my doctor. She isn't giving me a lot of info. I don't feel informed. I'm worried all the time and not sure what is going on or what the next steps are.

I'm dreading the start of another cycle. The timed sex, the temping, the hoping, the waiting, the medication now upped 50mg more, not knowing how it will affect me.

I am tired. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of trying to put on a positive, happy face and pretend that everything is fine and I'm okay. I'm tired of feeling like if I am sad or negative or admit that I don't have much hope left then I am lame and people are judging me for not being a bright ball of sunshine.

I want a future plan. Something long term. But that's not possible right now.

We are thinking about the future. How long will we continue to do this? Right now, I think setting a year long mark is good. This time next year if I'm not pregnant, that's it for me. I might not go back onto birth control but I can't keep actively trying forever. I say a year because I feel like we need to use the resources we have while we can, but part of me (most of me) wants to stop sooner and try to find some peace of mind. I know my husband supports it. We'll see how it goes. After this cycle of 100mg of Clomid, I don't know if there is another step if it doesn't make me ovulate. The next step might just be quitting.

If we had a big enough house I would easily abandon this notion of pregnancy and these medications and I'd start the foster adoption process. But we have to wait until we are in a better town with a bigger place.

Some days it's hard to get up and face it again. The past 30+ days since we found out I didn't ovulate with the first round of Clomid have been kind of nice. It was hard at first because I was mourning that hope we lost but then it turned into almost a vacation from trying to conceive. We know nothing is happening in there so there's no pressure. I'll really miss that feeling of everything being okay for a while. At the same time, I feel like we have to try while Clomid is being offered.

Just jumbled thoughts of an infertile today. I'll probably be started on Provera by this weekend, unless my doctor has a concern about it, and that means I'll start Clomid in about 2 weeks. Trying to get out my negativity in a healthy way so that we can maybe be positive and excited.

Living with Infertility- Clomid Update

Three weeks ago I got the results of my blood work back for my first Clomid cycle. I wrote this very soon after but never posted it because it felt too raw at the time.


I am writing this raw and fast while I'm feeling my feelings.

My cycle day 21 blood work showed that I didn't ovulate with Clomid this cycle.

It was news that I wasn't expecting. I really thought it had worked. My body was showing all the signs of wanting to ovulate but I guess it just didn't get pushed far enough. I really needed some good news and this was a hard blow.

We'll try double the dose next cycle. But I can't help being so upset and disappointed and sad. I am dreading another cycle, dreading more medicine, dreading OPKs and basal body thermometers and prenatal vitamins and more blood work and waiting for another call. I'm dreading planned sex and preseed applicators and soft cups and how sterile and scheduled sex becomes.

July 11th, tomorrow, is 2 years since we started trying to have a baby. Two years of my life. I had a 2 year old back then. I can't hide being angry at the universe or being terrified that this will never work. I'm so jealous of my pregnant friends and friends that have just had babies. I've started to unlike all of the parenting stuff that I follow on social media so that I don't have to see pregnant women and babies everywhere because it's so hard. I can't put into words how hard it can be.

Right now everything is just really heavy. This is the real life journey of infertility. There are very few ups and a lot of really deep downs.

I'm just trying to make it through the day right now. It's hard to tell people who knew about the blood work and it's harder to hear them being positive and trying to make me be positive. I just want to be miserable for a while. 


Three weeks later I am... less hopeless. I know sometimes it takes some tweaking before you get the right dose. I just really expected it to work. My body was going crazy and doing things it had never done before. Fertile cervical mucus, for one thing. I had darker OPKs than ever before, though never any positive ones (but I had stopped testing after a certain point) and my left ovary was really sore and painful, which I'd hoped was a good sign. I'm not excited about more cycles and my anxiety is going crazy over this but I am back to trying to be hopeful. Trying to see the silver lining. I did have really good, positive signs of ovulation wanting to happen. So hopefully with the extra 50mg of medication it will make an egg pop. Fingers and toes crossed.

I'm still waiting for a period to show up. Cycle day 43 now. I'm not in a big hurry. Last cycle we got to cycle day 37 and decided to go for meds to bring on my period but this time I am hoping if I wait long enough it will happen on its own and maybe having a natural cycle will be better. There's a lot going on in life right now and I'm happy to put off my Clomid cycle for a while.

I'm just trying to keep my head above water right now. Just keep swimming, right?

Clomid- How I'm Feeling

I documented my days actively taking Clomid so that I'd have something to look back on and see how it really affected me. This is what those days looked like-

Clomid so far-

First dose- No side effects. If anything, I was nervous and being super zen to avoid turning into the insane woman everyone promised me I'd be.

Second dose- I notice my moods are definitely much quicker to change, but not for no reason. More I am just quick to cry/be annoyed or whatever. I have HARDCORE hot flashes which is no good in 103 degree heat.

Third dose- Still noticing my moods change but not so much that I am moody, more that I am having the same moods I would normally have and can't control my shit as well as usual? For example- crying on the way home from a movie. It is not unusual for me to be a sentimental sap and tear up quite often or whatever. But this was full on sobbing over Peter being such a good dad and stuff that happened in Inside Out and then Ed Sheeran came on the radio and I LOST it and couldn't find it again. I also notice that my social anxiety is way down because I am more open to conflict?

Fourth dose- Definitely feeling more in general. It's not that I am moody, it's more that my moods want to stick around for longer and I feel them a lot more. But it's nothing drastic. No raging or feeling nuts or manic. Just normal feelings but slightly heightened.

Fifth and final- Same as day 4 but my mood shifts are even less. On the whole it is all extremely tolerable and fine.

I am now 2 days out from it and feeling totally normal. I went into this with a very positive outlook that things would be okay and they were. My daily yoga has definitely helped and I think just waiting so long to get this help has made me feel good about the experience. I'm glad that overall it was fine and now we are done with it this cycle and hopefully it's working some magic in there! Thinking happy thoughts.

Clomid

Last Thursday was my 3rd cycle day (because my period FINALLY decided to show up after almost 60 days, hello) and I went in for my Clomid appointment. It was easy and fast, just a quick pelvic exam to check that my ovaries felt normal and voila. Clomid prescription.

So how Clomid works- you take it for 5 days, usually days 3-7 of our cycle. It tricks your body into thinking that your estrogen is being lowered so that your ovaries get all excited and revved up and pop out an egg. Hopefully.

The plan right now is that I'll start off with 50mg. I took my last dose last night. I'll go for my 21 day blood work and see if I ovulated. There's no real way to know until then because I didn't temp this cycle. If I ovulated, I'll be on this dose for 3 months and if I don't get pregnant we'll rev it up to 100mg and try that for a few months and if no pregnancy after that I'll be referred to a doctor. Really hoping to avoid that and just get knocked up. If I don't ovulate this cycle we'll go ahead and knock it up to 100mg and hope it works better.

I'd read a bunch about side effects and it's pretty scary what you hear out there. The studies show that most women don't experience harsh side effects and get off pretty easy so it's interesting that so many women talk about how insane it made them feel. I even had some people try to talk me out of taking it because of how it made them feel. I went into this with a really positive outlook though. Thinking we'd try it for a cycle and if it was truly awful I didn't have to go through another cycle but we'd at least take the opportunity. I'll update later on my 5 days of Clomid. I have been doing a few things to help any mood symptoms I might have. Yoga every day, meditation (almost) every day, taking my pill in the evening so I sleep through most of it, taking time for myself and listening to my body, drinking plenty of water and staying hydrated and cool.

We're glad to finally have the chance to try Clomid. Really hoping for some magic to happen. It's hard to not get your hopes up. I know it's not a magic pill and there are no guarantees but we are hopeful.

Waiting

I feel like my whole life is spent waiting around lately. No matter how much I try to stay in the moment or spend my time doing fun things like little trips with the family and crocheting something new, in the back of my mind I am counting down cycle days and doing math to see how long since my last Provera pill.

It has been 9 days since I finished Provera. It was supposed to get my period started so that I could make the trip to the doctor for the fun internal examination of my ovaries and a possible prescription for Clomid. The nurse said my period would start 2-10 days later. I know I'm still in the sweet spot and it could start any second but as my 4 year old would say, waiting is hard.

I feel heavy all the time. Heavy with waiting and hoping and feeling like hoping is just dumb at this point. Even though I pray and hope and try to be a beaming light of positivity and unicorns and rainbow sprinkles, I really just want to give my uterus the finger or smack her around and tell her to get her shit together because this is just getting ridiculous. And why NOW. Why after I finally get to see the doctors? Wait until then to start being crazy. That's totally fine. Go ahead and bleed me almost to death and then go dry as the Sahara. I can finally get help but not unless my uterus decides to shed and she isn't having it.

Wishing and hoping and waiting. Nothing can keep me busy enough. Who wishes for a period? This girl. I want cramps SO BAD. I've got the Midol ready to go. Every wishing well I am throwing a penny in. Every eyelash gets a wish. I am anxiously waiting on my birthday next Wednesday because I am going to wish so hard. Harder than I have ever wished before. Please please please. Please make my uterus act nicely. Please make me healthy. Please fill this hole in our life. Please give us a baby.

My kid asked me on Friday 'mommy, are you having a baby?' and I said no honey and she just sighed sadly. I felt the little bit of hope in me crumble. I can't keep the faith alive if I can't even get my uterus to do what it's supposed to do. We can't go any further if I can't even get a period started. I feel like I'm failing. I'm constantly at battle with myself. That's something I think a lot of people don't understand about infertility. The intense feeling that you are so messed up and you can't do anything right. You can't even do what you are biologically meant to do. Most of the time I can push that stuff aside. But lately... it's right there all the time taunting me and making me feel awful about myself. I feel like a failure.

Waiting waiting waiting. Wishing wishing wishing. Please please please. To sum up-

Frustration

I have really tried to take on a gracious attitude that reflects how grateful I am for the things I have and how hopeful I am for positive things in the future. But sometimes it all really sucks and it's okay to say that.

Currently I am taking a medication that is supposed to regulate my periods. I take it every day and have been for close to 2 months. I realize it takes time to get things fixed in there but so far I am either not having a period when I need one or I am bleeding nearly to death. Did I mention this medication has been giving me daily headaches? Yeah, that's happening. And the cherry on top of that sundae is that now those headaches are full blown migraines that leave me a sniveling mass of couch potato, my eyes covered with a cool cloth, unable to do the simplest of things like get up and make myself something to eat or put puzzles together with my daughter or tidy up. It feels like my head will split open and I'll die right there. That's how bad it is. I'm no stranger to migraines, but these are becoming so often that my day to day life is suffering.

I'm taking this medication and now I am probably going to need another medication to start my period because my body has decided to go the opposite way of what it was doing. Instead of bleeding constantly, my uterus has remained as dry as a desert. So we'll need meds to start my period so that I can go to the doctor for an internal exam to get more meds that will hopefully make me ovulate and will probably also turn me into a moody bitch. All with just the tiny small itty bitty fraction of a hope that we can get my body to do what it's meant to do, which is to ovulate, so that I can even have a tiny small itty bitty fraction of a chance to get pregnant. And I am doing it because this is what I want. I realize it's my choice and I'm putting myself through it. I also think it's bullshit that I have to go through this and some days, like today, I am really unhappy about it and I'm in a lot of pain and I'm tired of my body sucking.

So that's where I'm at. And I'm okay with it. Because not every day can be a silver lining kind of day. Not every day is double rainbows and unicorns and buckets of daisies. Some days really suck and sometimes it's stretches of days that really suck and saying 'this sucks' doesn't make me lame. In fact, saying that this sucks and sucks hard kind of makes me feel better.

Just to end on a positive note, here is a text Husband sent me after I messaged him about being miserable and having a migraine-

'I can't even begin to understand how hard you have it and everything you are suffering through, just know that I will always be here to support and comfort you in anything you need.'

Thank God for such an awesome partner.

National Infertilty Week- How You Can Help

I did a post about what NOT to say and now I want to focus on how you can help a loved one going through infertility.


Be kind. It's really that simple. Before something slips out of your mouth, really think about it. How is this comment going to help them? Empower them? Give them hope?

Arm yourself with facts. Do a google search and learn a bit about what they are going through. There is a lot of info out there. Don't research this in an attempt to give them unsolicited advice, do it to give yourself more knowledge so that you can better empathize with them.

Listen. When they are struggling- listen. When they need to cry- be still with them and listen. When they are angry- listen. Certainly it's okay to tell them to keep hoping and it's okay to try to lift them up. But when we are angry/scared/sad we aren't really looking for advice. We just want someone to HEAR US. The flip side of this, of course, is to not push us to talk when we don't want to. It's probably a good idea to not ask us about babies.

Show support on Mother's/Father's day. There is also Bereaved Mother's Day for mother's of angel babies. Be kind. Remember your loved ones who are struggling or can't conceive or who have lost babies.

Please don't talk to us about every pregnant person you know. Now, this one is not universal. I'm sure there are some infertile couples who don't mind. It is pretty personal to my own situation, actually. It seems that since this whole secondary infertility business got started, everyone and their sister is pregnant. And not just that, although it's certainly hard enough to deal with, but I also have to hear about it from everyone. I don't want to hear about it. I don't care what friend of yours I don't know is pregnant. I don't care. Please don't talk to me about other people and their pregnant selves.

Invite us to showers. But please be okay if we decide not to go. We want to be included and thought of, but sometimes we just can't. And that should be okay. Our feelings are valid.

Validate our choices and feelings. Even just telling us that this all really freaking sucks. Don't question what we want to spend our money on or what tests we want to do and don't question if we decide to stop treatments. Just support us. That's your only job.

I hope this helps someone. I hope that what you take away from these posts is not that we infertile peeps are bitter or angry or demanding, but that we have a disease and we are struggling and trying to deal with it as best we can.

National Infertility Awareness Week- What NOT to Say

April 19 through the 25 of 2015 marks National Infertility Awareness Week.

Being on this infertility journey (now for the second time) for the past 2 years, I feel like I can definitely give some advice about what's appropriate to say and what you should never ever say ever ever ever to any infertile person or person trying to conceive.

For today, lets focus on common things people say and why you shouldn't/why it's hurtful.

Just relax. Let me explain simply- Infertility is a disease. It can be caused by a multitude of things but infertility itself is recognized as a disease. So for example, if you knew someone with diabetes, would you tell them to relax and it would get better? If your family member had cancer, would you tell them that relaxing would make it go away? No? I thought not. So don't say that to someone who is struggling to get pregnant. Thanks.

Don't complain about your pregnancy. Look, I know pregnancy sucks. I get it. It's not a picnic. But don't you have friends that are pregnant or that CAN get pregnant that you can complain to? Don't go to the infertile people complaining about how much you hate being pregnant. It makes you look like an asshole.

Don't question their feeling over being able to have a 2nd (or 3rd or 10th) child. Your idea of our family isn't what matters. Saying 'you already have 1 kid, why do you need more' is not helpful or kind. I am sad because my plan for my family and my dream for my family is heartbreakingly difficult. And it's hard to let go of a dream. Not to mention that so much of infertility is secondary infertility, meaning a couple conceived easily and then when they tried for more children there was a problem.

Why aren't you trying IVF/Why don't you just adopt? Oh man, I never even thought of that! I'll get right on that. Let me go check out my money tree in the back yard. Shoot. Wouldn't you know it... it's bare. IVY and adoption cost lots of moolah. And chances are, whoeve you are making that dumb comment to has already looked into every option. You are not helping.

There are worse things that can happen. Lets not play that game, okay? Maybe my problems pale in comparison to someone else's. Maybe your problem seems dumb to me compared to my ovaries not working. Lets just not go there. Treat everything with kindness.

That about sums up April's 'ways to not be a turd to an infertile person' seminar. It honestly seems like common sense to me, but you'd be surprised how terribly often these things come up. It's almost shocking. And it is always hurtful. Please be kind.

How I Deal With Negative Pregnancy Tests

There are going to be more negative than positive tests in most people's life time. Especially if your ovaries are confused. So what to do when the infamous Big Fat Negative symbol appears on your pee stick? Here's what I do-

1. First of all, I let myself be sad. And sometimes that might last a while. An hour, a day, a week. I don't make myself rush it. I try not to drown in it but I definitely don't tell myself not to feel it. Holding it back only leads me to act crazy at some other point. It's also just easier to deal with other people's happy baby and pregnancy announcements (which seem never ending) when I am letting myself feel sad when I need to. That's an important word. NEED. I need to feel this way so that I can let it pass and then feel better.
2. I treat myself. Or more accurately, Husband treats me. If I've had a bad day, he can be counted on to bring me a big steak home and smother it in onions and blue cheese. Or a bottle of wine or a chocolate pie. Or all 3.
3. Get out. I'm 100% more likely to be miserable and angry and sad if I'm stuck at home. So we go out. We go to the craft store and I get some yarn. We get frozen yogurt or go out for dinner or go for a walk in the swamp.
4. I am grateful. When it's really bad, and it usually is if I'm being honest, I remember that I'm blessed. I remember how easy it was to get pregnant with our accidental first born and I remember how happy I was when we got our positive test with our daughter after over 2 years off birth control. I remember that I had 2 healthy babies and I am lucky enough to have 2 gorgeous, robust, wild children.
5. I talk about it. It's not always easy because often it seems people are very uncomfortable with the subject of failed pregnancies or infertility and I've come into contact with a lot of assholes who made me feel like I wasn't allowed to take up space and feel my own feelings. I do try to be open though. Even if it's just with my husband. I know that if I can get some of it off my chest, I can feel better faster.
6. I remember hope. This is not always easy. I am a Debbie downer. Anxiety girl. I assume the worst. Sometimes it means opening up to someone, sometimes it means opening pinterest and looking at hopeful quotes, sometimes it means visiting some infertility sites and listening to happy endings. It is hard to have hope because you get a lot more crushed when you're positive and looking for the best. Negativity, or 'realism' as I like to call it when referring to myself, is chain mail that we don to protect our spirits from what we feel is inevitable. It gets so heavy. Hope lifts us up. It's like tying balloons to our heart strings.

This infertility stuff isn't easy and it toughens you right up. It also breaks you down monthly and makes you spill your guts out all over the floor. It's helpful to know yourself and to know how to best bandage it all back up.

Baby dust and blessings.

Living with Infertilty - 1 Week

It has been a whole week of medication taking and I am pleased to say that it's going great! I was placed on medication to stop my bleeding (my insanely loooooong period of almost 4 weeks) and it worked like a freaking charm. I also started taking metformin again. Metformin is commonly used for women with PCOS or irregular periods. The hope is that it will get my cycle regulating and get me ovulating and then I'll be preggers.

Metformin often comes with some uncomfortable tummy side effects. Nausea, upset stomach, diarrhea. Ew. The last time (over a year ago) I was on Metformin, the first couple of weeks were ROUGH. I was holding my breath for this time, expecting to be sick out of my mind. And.... nothing! No sickness. I am making sure to take it at dinner and breakfast so I have a full belly and it seems to be doing the trick! I'm really grateful. I took it for 4 nights with no problem so I started taking my morning dose on top of that evening dose on Sunday and I'm still feelin' good.

I am trying to give my body an extra boost by eating lots of fresh veg and hydrating myself. I still have to wait for my next period to start and then on the 21st day I'll get all of the needle pricks and hopefully get some more answers. It's pretty exciting. We're out of infertility limbo and into the waiting room!

Living with Infertility - I Don't Hate You

Dear pregnant women,

I don't hate you. Okay, so sometimes that is a lie. Sometimes I imagine living on an island where pregnant women are banned or women with squishy newborns and especially women who get pregnant as soon as the thought 'maybe I should have a baby' pops into their head. I would lounge around, maybe even invite other infertile couples to live there so that we could bitch together about our unresponsive reproductive organs. We'd have fun 'bon voyage' parties for the lucky SOB's that managed to catch a slippery egg and then we'd kick their butts off of our island.

It would be easier to live with pregnancy blinders on. In some ways I do. There are many a pregnant friend/family member on social media that I have put my blinders on for. I don't hate you. I promise. I just can't deal with the daily posts about your bump or what size your baby is today or the endless ultrasound photos. I am honestly thrilled for you but that in no way takes away from my sadness for myself and my partner. And so, unfollowed you shall be for the time being. No offence to you or your expanding uterus and the womb booger it houses.

It would also be easier to live with bitterness or hate in my heart than to openly try to rejoice and welcome every new pregnant mama. It would be easier to turn my back on everyone with a working uterus. Easier to say that I don't care. Easier to cut them all off. I wish that I could some days, because it's hard watching everyone have babies while you wait and hope and hold your breath and pray. I am NOT good at keeping the faith. I'm just not. I go up and down so fast. One minute I am sure this is our month and the next I am grieving the baby that I just know I'll never get.

I read something that was basically like infertility is like going through the 5 stages of grief every month. And it rang true for me.

You deny- Okay, this month it's happening. Those other months weren't for real. We just weren't having sex at the right times. This is it. It's happening this time.

You bargain- If I get pregnant I will do everything right this time. No screwed up kid for me! I will be the best mom. I'll never complain about weight gain or morning sickness or being tired. I will be the perfect pregnant woman and mom. I will play Mozart to my belly and eat only healthy things and cut out all sugar and caffeine.

You get angry- Why am I even doing this to myself?! Why do I bother? It's pointless. This isn't fair. It shouldn't be us. We're great parents. Why does everyone else get a baby? Why does SHE get a baby, she's horrible. Why why why.

You get depressed- Month after month after month. Why do we try? Why can't we just be happy with the family we have? We'll never get pregnant. We'll never have another baby.

And then you accept it- Okay. That's it for this month. Another negative. We'll move on. Pack it in. At least I get a break from checking my cervical mucus for a week or 2.

And somehow, after all of that, I arrive back at a point of hope when/if my period starts again. It's a new beginning, a new chance to try and maybe succeed. Can you see where it is enough to drive you MAD? It's enough to send anyone off the deep end. Yet there are 1 in 8 of us out there doing this constantly and even though I think many of us feel like we are going to lose our sh*t, we keep it together. Life goes on. You move on even when you feel stuck in one place, in one never ending cycle.

For a long time I did hate every pregnant woman. I gave them the stink eye and I said mean things about them in my head. And I'm not saying I don't still get upset when someone gets pregnant because it hurts to watch that joy in someone else's life. I have come to a place in our infertility journey where I am not sure what will happen next. Will we conceive? Will we adopt? Who knows right now!? But I do know that at some point I realized I can't be angry all the time and I can't hate every pregnant woman and I can't live my life filled to the brim with jealousy and bubbling over with bitterness. So I decided to rejoice for the lives they created. I rejoice for them and their baby and their families and how excited they must be.

And above all, I continue to hope that one day that will be us.

Now if I could just figure out how to put actual pregnancy blinders on so that when I go to the grocery store I'm not counting the pregnant women.

Infertility Humor

Sometimes it's nice to laugh, even when you feel like your heart is breaking. Often times I find that I am most willing to laugh after having been through something so sad or stressful. So- some infertility humor to get us through those hard days/weeks/months.

My personal favorite-

And just because sometimes we need a reminder-

I'm keeping my chin up and having myself a few giggles along the way. Be blessed and know that it's all gonna be okay.

Living with Infertility- It All Matters

Some days I have a hard time believing that I deserve to be sad. That's a ridiculous concept, isn't it? One of my Truths of Life is just because someone else may have it worse doesn't mean your problems are insignificant. Which basically means, to me, that my problems should always carry weight. What hurts me should always matter, what brings me sadness always means something. Even if someone else has a worse situation. No one should be allowed to make another person feel that their problems pale in comparison.

And yet when it comes to infertility I fail completely at this. I have such a hard time allowing myself to feel what I feel. There are a lot of reasons for this. It hasn't been kept quiet that quite a few loved ones think us having more children is a bad idea, I think because their own perfect family unit is made up of 2 adults and 2 children. Because of this I don't feel comfortable talking about what we are going through with 99% of the people I love. Squashing my feelings makes me feel like they aren't important.

In a lot of TTC circles, secondary infertility is considered a lesser problem. It isn't as 'important' or 'hard' or 'difficult' as going through infertility from the get go. At least you have kids, right?

There is a lot of weight placed on women struggling with infertility that already have children, especially multiple children, such as myself. We aren't going through as much as that lady who doesn't have any children. We have kids to tuck into bed at night. Why aren't we more grateful for what we have? Why are we so selfish? We shouldn't be greedy. These are things that I have heard. Directed at me and directed at other mother's struggling with secondary infertility.

I'm writing this out because right now I feel like my problems DO matter and I want to see this on a day when I feel like I should be squashing them down and pretending I'm not aching. And maybe someone out there comes across this and is going through the same thing and they realize their problem is important and their hurt deserves to see the daylight too. The more we cram these things down, the worse it gets. The resentment toward others builds, the hurt grows, the problem gets bigger and eventually we explode. It's not healthy for us or our relationships.

No one should ever say that your problem isn't important. Maybe it's not as big as their problem in the grand scheme of things. I understand that I have 2 beautiful, healthy, kind, smart children. Does wanting more children and being sad from my infertility make me appreciate them less? Of course not! Do I need to be reminded to appreciate the kids I have? No, I don't. I also understand that at least I do have my kids and there are plenty of people who long to be parents that don't have children and will never be able to conceive. I understand that this pain might be greater than my own pain. To them. It doesn't make my pain any less real or horrible for me.

All pain is different but it's still pain. And that deserves some grace and some love and some understanding. Not only should we expect it from others but we should give it to ourselves.

Living with Infertility - Hoping

I started this year off with my Happiness Project partly because so much of last year sucked for me mentally and emotionally and much of that came from our infertility struggles.

We have been trying to get pregnant for 18 months. That is a long time and it has been hard. In just a few months we'll have a 4 year old. Ollie will turn 8 this year. We won't have a baby by the time either of those things happen. Alice Mae will more than likely be nearing age 5 or be over 5 by the time we have a baby, if we can get pregnant. That isn't an age gap I ever wanted.

I like to be hopeful and see the silver lining. I really try to always have some hope even when the month has beaten me down or my period has shown up unexpectedly. Sometimes though it feels like slapping on a fake smile just so everyone else feels okay. Sometimes I want to cry and yell and kick things and be angry at what seems to be totally unfair. We are amazing parents. The best parents that I know. Our kids want for nothing and most importantly they have 2 loving, happy parents that are crazy in love with them. It gets to be too much some days.

I wish that I could describe how it feels. It is a constant roller coaster, as cliché as that is. In the time that we have been trying to get pregnant I have had so many friends and family also start trying and ALL of them already have babies now or are expecting them in the next few months. We want to be happy for these people but at the same time we are so bitter and sad and jealous. It's a hard mix of things to swallow. And the worst part I think is not really having anywhere to go to. There aren't a lot of people who can understand what it's like. You get the same generic responses to things until you just stop confiding in people. That has been excruciating for me. Not having anyone to go to. Even a lot of infertility groups online are full of not so nice people or women competing to see who has it The Worst. I can't stomach it. So instead I stay quiet and eventually cramming it all down leads to a meltdown.

I am surrounded by pregnant women every day. Close family and friends, most of these pregnancies accidental. I don't mean to sound so bitter but I think it is a natural response for a woman whose ovaries aren't working properly to get upset when she learns of yet another accidental pregnancy. It is hard to not think the universe is laughing at you. Even the pregnancies that were meant to happen are heart breaking. Absolutely shattering.

Hope is a funny thing, you know. It builds you up and also tears you down. I start off a cycle with so much hope and in some ways that leads to so much more upset when there isn't a pregnancy at the end of it. I don't want to stop hoping but I don't want to hope for something that is never going to happen.

For right now I have decided to go back on birth control because I need a break and also as an experiment to see if birth control will wake up my ovaries. I am hopeful. As always. In April we will finally see a specialist. FINALLY. And maybe we will get some real answers. Because the hardest thing is being in limbo. Not knowing. Not being able to move forward in any way. Just stuck. But the closer we get to possible answers the more scared I am. The answers we've been waiting for could be bad.

My go to coping mechanism so far this year has been an infertility journal that I started on January 1st. I never meant to start it. I had a friend make her pregnancy announcement the night before and it led to a slight breakdown on my part. Not having anyone to reach out to I just held it in and made myself sick with jealousy and misery that night. The next night I picked up a new journal I'd planned to use for something else and I scribbled myself a letter-

Dear April,

I'm sorry that you can't get pregnant. I'm sorry that you feel broken and like you have to bottle it up. I'm sorry that you don't have anyone to go to.

But, I love you. Your body is strong. You are strong. You are poetry. You are loved.

Love,
April

Since then when I feel upset or angry or sad or even hopeful, I open it up and I write. I've written more to myself, I've written a letter to Maybe Baby, I've written a list of things that might help fertility. Maybe one day, if we're really lucky, we'll be able to look back at that journal and see how strong we were and how much we fought and we'll be holding our baby in our arms and counting ourselves among those that beat infertility. Maybe. If we stay hopeful. And I plan to for now, even though sometimes it feels like the hope is killing me more than the trying is.