I want to incorporate a word into my life. Something that holds meaning to me, that I feel I need to focus on. A word that encompasses my world right now. Words are so powerful. We breathe them in and out. We can build nations with them or we can tear people apart with them. Words move you, they shake you, they make you get up and do something. They change you. Words are important.
My word is HOPE.
Today I go in for my blood work. We'll find out this week if the 2nd round of Clomid worked or not. Today, I need HOPE.
Let me be honest. I am a very realistic person. Sometimes, realism seems like cynicism or pessimism. Maybe sometimes it is. A person wears a coat of realism to hide their inner cynic. Personally, I don't think I'm a cynic or a pessamist. I think I'm honest with myself and I don't believe we'll get the good news we long for. I think we'll hear back that Clomid didn't work again. Part of this is because it didn't work last time, so there's nothing to prove to me yet that it CAN work. Part of it is to defend my heart a little, because last time I was so sure it had worked and was completely swept out to sea when we found it hadn't.
My realism doesn't stifle my hope.
I am realistic about this journey, knowing everything that I know. I know that not everyone gets their happy ending or their miracle. I know that I am lucky to have had children at all and I'm grateful to have the chance to be a mother. I know that infertility is expensive and can take years to see any improvement. I know that I'm nearing my 30's and your fertility takes a nose dive. I'm realistic, see? Knowledge.
But I have hope and I will keep fighting for the hope and I will remember that I decided to take on HOPE as my own word and think on it every day. I believe that the best is yet to come. I believe that we are meant to be parents again. I don't know how or when, but I know that it's supposed to happen. One day we'll welcome a child to us and all the pieces will fit together. I know that there will be really bad days where I will cry and hate hoping, because hoping makes it all harder when things don't work out, but I know that this journey isn't going to end for us. Not yet. I really do believe.
I'm lucky enough to have a partner that doesn't waiver and really believes that this will all work out. He is a rock. Not once has he stopped hoping. That gives me strength to keep going. I couldn't get through this without the wonderful person that he is.
This has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm writing this out for my own benefit, to come back to when I need it. I hope that wherever you are, whatever you are going through, you will keep a close guard on your hope and never let it go. Hope is what makes us dream.