Friday, June 27, 2014


This blog was meant to be about everything. All of the stuff I want to remember. Mostly it's about crafts and cooking. My kids. Our home. But there are lots of parts that make up a life. Briefly I mentioned trying to get pregnant again. It has been weighing heavily on my heart lately and I feel like writing it out will be therapeutic.

We have been trying to get pregnant for nearly a year. On July 11th we'll hit that year mark. I've had 1 doctor's appointment in this time. The reason for the appointment was because after having my IUD removed 6 months before this I still hadn't had a single period. Random bleeding and spotting, but no real cycles. No ovulation. There were some blood tests, I was told that my insulin levels are slightly elevated and that metformin would probably be beneficial, so I've been taking that daily and within a month I had my first period. Progress! It was such a burden lifted.

In that time, the past 6 months, I've had a period every month and it's nice to finally have some sort of cycle. But through ovulation predictor strips and temping I've seen that I'm only ovulating about half the time, which is hard. My periods are also irregular. Sometimes only 25 days between them, sometimes 30. Most recently it was just 2 weeks between cycles. There's a lot of spotting mid cycles, my periods are way too light, my luteal phase is way too short. Only 6 days at the longest. Not great for baby making.

The year mark is coming up and another doctor visit at the end of July. Hopefully we'll get more answers. July 11th will be hard.

I'm diagnosed at this point with secondary infertility. It's hard to really put words into how that feels. I think I've always had fertility issues but never owned up to it, and that's part of what we will discuss with the doctor in July. Secondary infertility is... lonely. And guilt ridden. I have been told that I'm selfish. I've been told I should just wait it out and it will happen. I've been told to relax and it will happen on its own. These things are pretty common comments from what I understand. Many women facing fertility issues listen to these sharp remarks that can really cut you to the quick, despite the fact that I see articles, lists and memes almost daily that provide information on why that sort of remark is not appropriate or helpful and is actually quite hurtful.

To be told that you are selfish to want more kids is so ridiculous. First of all, my uterus has nothing to do with your opinions so keep your topic of conversation away from my reproductive organs. Secondly, having children, raising children, caring for children, is one of the most selfless things anyone can do. It's hard work and if I didn't really want more I doubt I'd be going through all of these tests to get them. Another crappy and borderline cruel thing to say- that by wanting more kids I don't appreciate the ones that I have. I love my kids so much that I want 10 more just like them. They make me the happiest. My fertility issues have nothing to do with how I am as a mother. I am still amazing at that and I still love my kids unconditionally and strive to better myself as a parent.

The rest of those comments- let me just say that when you have fertility problems and are going through tests and tracking ovulation and crying every month when your period comes. When you are told that something is WRONG with your body and that you need help getting pregnant. There is no amount of resting and relaxing and waiting that will help. Something is physically wrong with you. A vacation isn't a magic solution in most cases. It is probably said with lovely intentions, but it's actually really sucky to hear over and over. If I could just take a bubble bath and then get pregnant, I would have been knocked up months ago.

This has been the hardest journey of my life and in a lot of ways I feel like it's just starting. It is lonely. Not a lot of people understand. It is especially lonely to have children and go through infertility. Everything in my life is a constant reminder of kids. The people that should be supportive are often just condescending and believe that somehow me having children lessens the pain of not having a properly functioning reproductive system. It's a daily struggle. If you have someone that you love that is struggling with this, just tell them that you are there to listen. Don't try to give advice because there isn't anything you can say that will kick start their ovaries. Listen to them. Offer to give them a shoulder when they need it. That's love.

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