Frustration

I have really tried to take on a gracious attitude that reflects how grateful I am for the things I have and how hopeful I am for positive things in the future. But sometimes it all really sucks and it's okay to say that.

Currently I am taking a medication that is supposed to regulate my periods. I take it every day and have been for close to 2 months. I realize it takes time to get things fixed in there but so far I am either not having a period when I need one or I am bleeding nearly to death. Did I mention this medication has been giving me daily headaches? Yeah, that's happening. And the cherry on top of that sundae is that now those headaches are full blown migraines that leave me a sniveling mass of couch potato, my eyes covered with a cool cloth, unable to do the simplest of things like get up and make myself something to eat or put puzzles together with my daughter or tidy up. It feels like my head will split open and I'll die right there. That's how bad it is. I'm no stranger to migraines, but these are becoming so often that my day to day life is suffering.

I'm taking this medication and now I am probably going to need another medication to start my period because my body has decided to go the opposite way of what it was doing. Instead of bleeding constantly, my uterus has remained as dry as a desert. So we'll need meds to start my period so that I can go to the doctor for an internal exam to get more meds that will hopefully make me ovulate and will probably also turn me into a moody bitch. All with just the tiny small itty bitty fraction of a hope that we can get my body to do what it's meant to do, which is to ovulate, so that I can even have a tiny small itty bitty fraction of a chance to get pregnant. And I am doing it because this is what I want. I realize it's my choice and I'm putting myself through it. I also think it's bullshit that I have to go through this and some days, like today, I am really unhappy about it and I'm in a lot of pain and I'm tired of my body sucking.

So that's where I'm at. And I'm okay with it. Because not every day can be a silver lining kind of day. Not every day is double rainbows and unicorns and buckets of daisies. Some days really suck and sometimes it's stretches of days that really suck and saying 'this sucks' doesn't make me lame. In fact, saying that this sucks and sucks hard kind of makes me feel better.

Just to end on a positive note, here is a text Husband sent me after I messaged him about being miserable and having a migraine-

'I can't even begin to understand how hard you have it and everything you are suffering through, just know that I will always be here to support and comfort you in anything you need.'

Thank God for such an awesome partner.

A Bee Blanket

My best friend is having a baby! I wanted to make her a baby blanket for the little dude. It took me months to think of what I wanted to make and only after she figured out that she'd be doing a bee themed nursery did I finally decide.

I was browsing Pinterest and Ravelry for some bee themed ideas and found a couple of cute bee hive looking blankets that looked adorable and I decided to roll with that.

First- all the hexagons.

Then I remembered I wanted to edge the hexagons in white, so that had to happen. And then I single crocheted those boogers together! This is the back view to show how many ends there were to weave in. Sob.

Next up- cute as can be little bees.

And ta-da!

 

 

 

 

Made with love for baby Edwin.

Friday is My Fav

I am so ready to say hello to Friday. It has been a good week but I want my boys home with me.

Currently-

1. Reading- Ramona the Pest by Beverly Cleary. Ollie and I read a chapter every night before bed. He's really into Ramona and Beezus!

2. Working on- A baby blanket. Weaving in all the ends. So. Many. Ends.

3. Looking Forward To- My best friend's baby shower next weekend. For my period to show up so that I can get my fertility meds and make a baby.

4. Nomming- Eggplant parm. I've never had it and oh my gurd. I've been missing out. I made a homemade one on Wednesday night and feel like I found a soul mate. Also- chicken and waffles. Another thing I went 27 years without. How sad.

5. Planning- My birthday and Father's day shenanigans. I have a date the day before Father's day (which is the Saturday before my birthday) set up. Movie and a fancy dinner. I think I have Peter's gift picked out. I just have to figure out what the kids will give him. I have no actual birthday plans for the day but the weekend after I am planning a yummy cookout of grilled curry chicken kabobs with my family.

Helloooooo weekend. Lets do it to it.

Hump Day Happiness

Some things I'm loving.

1. Summery Weather- It has been so warm and nice. It's really tolerable until about 4 in the evening and then I have to turn on the AC because it gets stuffy in the house. But we are loving the kiddy pool time and how it is making our garden grow.

2. Fertility Happenings- I feel pretty obsessive about my upcoming appointment. The anticipation! Not knowing when it will be is a killer. I just have to wait for my period to start up and then zooooom off to the doctor for some meds to hopefully knock me up quickly.

3. Feeling Myself- Obsessed with Nicki Minaj and Beyonce's newest.

4. Alice in hats.

5. Feminist Lisa Frank- It's everything I've ever wanted in life.

Happy hump day!

Life Lately Randomness

Mondays. Am I right? It seems like every Monday for the past few weeks I wake up with a migraine. Could I be legit allergic to Mondays? Is there a Doctor's note for this?

Some random life happenings because I am tired and can only think in random strings of thought.

First of all, FERTILITY UPDATE- I got my blood work results back on Friday afternoon, less than 48 hours after my blood was taken. Most things looked fine but I do have wonky progesterone numbers which indicates that I am not ovulating. So now another waiting game as I wait for my period to show up but then I get to go into the doctor's office and get a handy dandy prescription of fertility meds! Things are looking up.

My cube organizer came over the weekend. We're using it in our kitchen, getting ride of the bulky old dresser we had in there for storage. Melody the cat instantly took it over. I think she approves. She will probably approve less once it's filled with things. I am loving it. I'm so excited to fill it up. Just waiting on some canvas boxes to arrive to put in some of the cubes.

I have been having an upset tummy for 4 or 5 days now. I think it's my Metformin. It's no fun. I have to start taking it with food again.

My mom bought the kids a little pool and they have been loving it. It's nice to have it now that the days are actually getting hotter.

I've been thinking a lot about my birthday, which is a little over a month away. I'm planning a cookout with my family and best friend which is very unlike me. I don't enjoy my birthday usually. I don't mind getting older but since I was little my birthdays have always been dramatic. Someone in the family is fighting or being a butthole. It's so bad that Peter has a rule that my family isn't allowed to call me on my birthday. Why am I planning a little party for myself? I have no idea. I am staying positive that no one will be an ass and ruin it. Time will tell. But I feel like celebrating. We have a lot to be happy about. By that time we'll have gone through our first dose of fertility meds already!

I've also been thinking about Father's Day gifts for husband. I am thinking of getting him a gift certificate for a massage or chiropractic adjustment. I'm also trying to think of what the kids can do for him/get him.

School is out in 18 days. It snuck up on me! We need to start planning some day activities so the kids don't drive me bonkers. Luckily there are 3 parks, an ice cream shop, a bouncy castle and a library all within walking distance. I am envisioning many days in the park and lots of picnics.

Since starting the low amylose diet, I've found that when I cheat and eat any bread products I instantly feel awful. I don't know if there's some sort of intolerance there or maybe just bread in general isn't agreeable with me or is too heavy but bleh. I'm not fond of this feeling.

However, on Saturday we went to the farmer's market and there was a little restaurant in a red barn that we had to try out. I ordered a fried green tomato BLT and it was HEAVEN. The bacon was pecan smoked and was the best bacon ever put in my mouth. I love fried green tomatoes and I'm so excited to finally have tomato season again so I can eat them all the time. I did feel very bleh after eating it, but during the eating process there were no regrets.

And now I'm craving bacon.

I think this is going to be a lazy week. I'm feeling like sitting around watching Disney movies is the best idea ever. Alice will probably agree with me. That's one of the reasons I love her. Ta-ta for now!

Friday Five

I haven't been this happy to see a Friday in ages. I am tired. I am cranky. My back hurts. I want to stay up and drink some wine and then sleep past 6:30 the next morning. Bring it, weekend.

1. Mother Effin' Farmer's Market- I am so pumped for this. I haven't been since the beginning of spring LAST YEAR. My favorite wine maker sells her wine there and I am hoping for some really good veggie sales and maybe to get some fun jams because I need some tasty toast in my life.

2. After 2 Years- I finally started to hang some pictures on the wall. Whaaaaat. I had a random burst of energy yesterday and hammered some nails into the wall. I'm going to look for more frames this weekend because this wall definitely needs to be filled out a bit, but man, it's good to see our faces on the wall. We're a pretty bunch. And also! I am going to buy a photo album. Because I am finally going to start making hard copies of our photos and keeping them organized.

3. Dieting- I am still committed to losing weight, but I don't know if low amylose is how. It's good because it gives me choices but also limits what I can eat so that I can basically only have really good for me things BUT I am also nearly 3 weeks in and have not lost much. I basically lost some weight at first and since then it has stayed the same. Which is frustrating. So, I am rethinking this one.

4. Reading Slump- I have not read a single book since the middle of April. That is so long! I've been reading The Book Thief since like.. I don't even know. Probably close to a month. I read like 2 or 3 pages a day. I don't know what happened but I went from reading 1-2 books a week to nothing. Other than my nightly reading with Oliver, I am in such a slump.

5. Crocheting Slump- I've also been lackluster with crocheting. It's a bummer. I have a baby blanket that really needs to be done by the 30th of this month. I have really lost interest lately, which is lame. Part of it is definitely depression. Womp womp. Which is also a big part of not reading. I just want to sit around and watch old seasons of Once Upon A Time. But, I also think I've gotten to a point where I really don't want to be making stuff to sell. It has taken so much fun out of it for me. I'm thinking of closing my shop for a few months and trying to get the fun back.


Those last 3 weren't super positive, were they? Oh well. Real life! I am so ready for 5:30 to roll around and my boys to get home. Husband has promised me some coconut curry for dinner and I think I'm going to make him watch a few episodes of Supernatural with me and then tomorrow is the farmer's market (!!!!) and then probably a bit of laziness mixed with a dash of yard work for the rest of the weekend. A very small dash of productivity. Like maybe a pinch.

Fertility Update/ Life Stuff

This past weekend someone close to us gave birth to their baby. I don't talk out loud to many people about how much people having babies affects me but today I want to. It is not unusual for me to feel guilty for how I feel. It's not unusual for me to bottle things up. When babies are born to someone close to me, I feel helpless in a hurricane of my own emotions. I am so down that it seems like I'll never be okay again. There's a lot of crying, a lot of anger, a lot of why not me.

It is really hard to watch other people have babies. It's really hard to show up for them. Sometimes I can't. This weekend, I couldn't. I just couldn't. And I recognized that in myself, gave myself some grace and accepted that it was best for me and my little family if I kept my distance for now. And you know, that is totally okay. Maybe everyone won't get it. Maybe someone will be mean or judgmental. At this point in my life I am happy to be able to understand that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about my decisions for myself. I am doing the best that I can. I am showing up when I can and being there when I can but first and foremost I have to think of myself and be gentle on me. So when I know that something is going to push me into a dark place, I step back and say no. Saying no is one of the best and most important life lessons anyone can learn.

Because I decided to keep some distance, I have been healthier and happier and more stable. I know that if I had made the decision to ignore my inner voice and go there out of guilt or a sense of obligation, I would not have had such a good week so far. I'm proud of me. Eventually (soon) I will make the trip. It will hurt. But it will also be really lovely and wonderful to hold a new person. I hope that the loveliness outweighs the hurt.

As for a fertility update- My fertility blood work appointment, that I assumed would be cancelled due to needing some hormone treatment for excessively dangerous uterine bleeding, was yesterday. It wasn't cancelled! I am hoping to hear back by the end of next week and really hoping for some answers and some medication.

I am trying to keep cautiously optimistic. I don't want to get my hopes up too much because there's no guarantee right now about anything. They might not find anything wrong. They might not prescribe medication. Medication might have no effect.  Right now I'm just trying to be happy that something is happening, the wheels are turning, we are slowly moving forward to Maybe Baby.

Mother's Day Weekend

I have had a hell of a week with migraines taking over my life but today I feel fairly good. Thank goodness.

The weekend was a total blast though. Saturday we celebrated Mother's Day with our mom's and Sunday was a comfy, lazy homebody day.

Saturday morning we went to a festival at a small town airport with my mother in-law. It was so cool! The whole airport was filled with small planes, classic cars, ambulances, fire trucks and helicopters. You could look into the them all and touch them and ahhhh, so neat! It also happened to be a totally gorgeous day. Look at that sky.

Most of why I wanted to go to this thing was because there were sky diving demonstrations!

It was so cool!

That evening we had a potluck dinner with my family at my sister's house. So lovely. They grilled steak and we had twice baked potatoes, rolls, salad, and green beans with plenty of desserts to choose from. I had the biggest, best slice of chocolate cake. We sat around the fire pit until it was nearly dark and we had to get started back on our way home. I enjoyed myself a lot.

Sunday was so lazy and wonderful. The kids ambushed me with 'Happy Mother's Day!!!' and bear hugs first thing. Husband made a yummy brunch (that fit in with my low amylose diet!) and cleaned up and let me sleep until NINE FORTY FIVE. I mean. What a guy. My favorite thing was definitely what he and the kids made me. Husband got together with the kids and asked them what their favorite things about me were and then printed out their answers in a little book and had Ollie illustrate it and Alice color it in. It made me cry. It was the best gift ever. He always does the nicest homemade things for me. I love having things like this to look back on years from now.

I should also mention my Mother's Day dinner-

Husband actually bought a small grill just so he could make me grilled food, because I was craving it. He is the best. He also made me dark chocolate covered strawberries. I can't imagine it gets better than this dude I married.

I'm a lucky girl. It was such a nice weekend. I still feel full of love and appreciation.

April Reads

April started off as a great reading month and somewhere toward the middle I just lost momentum (and still haven't picked it back up yet a week into May). Some good stuff for April though!

Bloodroot (Amy Greene)- This novel is told by many voices going across many generations. From the Great Depression to today, it follows one family and the legacies that haunt them.

I loved Bloodroot. It was beautifully told, if sometimes very hard to read. It does not contain easy subjects. It's so vivid though. So alive. The story is never confusing, as it can sometimes be when told by multiple characters. Instead it is richer because it's told from so many points of view. I've already added Amy Greene's other book, Long Man, to my reading list because I enjoyed this so much.

The Giver (Lois Lowry)- Set in a perfect world of sameness with no fear or pain or choices, we meet Jonas, a 12 year old boy chosen to train with The Giver and receive the memories of the community and the truth.

I've somehow never managed to read this one. It's one of those books just about everyone reads as a kid and I know that I owned it but I guess it never called to me. This is definitely not an original idea, the utopian community, but the book still manages to be unique. I could definitely guess what was going to happen but it didn't make the book less poignant and heartbreaking. I'll be reading this to my kids at some point for sure and I already have Gathering Blue, the 2nd book in the Giver Quartet, to read this month.

 

Cinder (Marissa Meyer)- A deadly plague is spreading the population, lunar people are watching from the skies and waiting on their queen to make her move to war, humans and cyborgs coexist although cyborgs are considered second-class citizens, and in all of this mess 1 cyborg girl is the answer to everything.

 

Okay, this book was really hardcore predictable. I saw everything coming and I think pretty much anyone would. However, it was still a good read. Nice and fluffy, easy to read, not much brain power needed. I'm making it sound like it was dumbed down, which is not the case. I think this is a cool as shit idea. A CYBORG CINDERELLA. I mean. That's amazeballs. But, the plot twists were not exactly twisted. I don't know if that was intentional all along? Or what. It's good though! I liked it. I am going to read the rest in the Lunar Chronicles because I feel invested in this now and I want to know what other crazy things happen to storybook characters. A cool new makeover of a classic tale is always awesome, and this is definitely not your average Cinderella story.

 

 

Gathering Blue (Lois Lowry)

 

The 2nd book in the Giver quartet, this book follows Kira, a young girl left orphaned in a savage world that discards the weak.

 

I LOVED this. I read it as a kid but didn't remember it, and I'm sure I didn't appreciate it back then. I really did this time. I don't have a lot to say about it. It's just good stuff. I have the other 2 books of this series waiting on me in my library book and I can't wait to get to them.

 

 

Beezus and Ramona (Beverly Cleary)

 

The best example in any book ever of the little sister/big sibling relationship.

 

This was a Me & Ollie book and we had a lot of fun reading it (we are reading Ramona the Brave now, actually). He really enjoyed it, so much that he made his book report for school about it. I'm looking forward to going through all of these books with him. He really connected with Beezus on a spiritual older sibling level.

 

 

The Capture (Kathryn Lasky)

 

After being snatched from his home, the barn owlet Soren finds himself in a strange school for orphaned owls called St. Aggie's.

 

Another me & Ollie book. I wasn't a fan of this book. It seemed to take us forever go get through and it was boring to me, however, Oliver loved it and looked forward to it every night. *shrug* I don't plan on reading anymore with him though because bleh. It was really a chore for me. The ending got a little more interesting but overall, meh.

 

 

That wraps it up for April!

Weekend Happenings

First of all, happy Star Wars day!

This weekend was rough for the most part. It didn't feel like a proper weekend. Mostly because Friday ended with me calling the emergency doctor at my office and having to get prescriptions for my devil bleeding.

In short- I started my cycle and was really pumped for it. It started pretty normally. Then on Monday my period turned into that hardcore bleeding I'd been having the month before (when I had to be put on hormone pills to stop it). It wasn't  any worse so I felt okay. Tuesday it took a turn for the worse. TMI warning. Seriously. Lots of vagina bleeding talk. I started bleeding through a pad every couple of hours. Mostly it was a gravity issue. If I remained seated, I was okay. As soon as I stood up- gush. Then it turned into an hourly thing of changing my pad.

On Friday I was gushing a couple of times an hour and each gush was enough to make me change my pad. So I was changing my pad a couple of times an hour. It was awful and also very scary. I was home alone with the kiddo and freaking out. I started feeling light headed and spacey, so I asked husband to come home and he did. I immediately called my NP's office, which was CLOSED and that made my panic.

After a few hours I called the emergency doctor, who was very concerned, and got prescribed some hormonal pills to help the bleeding. If it didn't stop by the next evening I was under strict orders to go to the ER and get checked out. In hindsight, I probably should have gone on Friday. I felt awful. I downplayed it to husband a lot but I'd clearly lost a good bit of blood.

The pills worked though, thankfully. By last night I was barely spotting. I even felt totally fine all of yesterday and was able to get up and take the nerds out to a movie.

The big bummer of this is that it ruins me for this cycle. My hormones are going to be all confused and jacked up from these pills so I can't get my fertility blood work done next week. I am pretty upset about that. I'll have to call this week and make an appointment with my doctor to find out what's going on with my period so that next time it's normal and not almost landing me in the hospital.

What a bummer of a weekend! I call a redo! Husband worked Saturday morning and then had a work function Saturday night so we really only had yesterday. Suckage. At least we got to see the new Avengers movie! Silver lining and all that.

Of course, I woke up this morning with some sort of congested sickness. Figures. I am not feeling great. Probably looking at another couple of days and being lazy on the couch and watching a lot of TV so that my body can keep getting well.

Friday-ness

This week has actually gone by pretty quickly but I can't say I'm mad that it's Friday. I am really looking forward to having husband home and being able to put my feet up.

A few things from this week-


1. I have been OBSESSED with Work Song by Hozier. I am obsessed with his music in general (the lyrics! the swoon worthy vocals! those instruments! the guitar! mmmm) but this song is top of the list lately. On repeat.

2. Second fertility appointment booked. My first Metformin cycle has started (and it's AWFUL) so May 13th I'll go in to get stabbed with needles and they will check all of my hormone levels and see if I ovulated with this period and they will also check my thyroid levels to see if I need to be put on medication for that again. I have my fingers crossed that SOMETHING comes back and we can get meds and get started on making this baby we want so much. I am expecting some hormonal imbalances for sure, just judging by the awful periods I've been having. TMI? My uterus doesn't care.

3. Dieting. Monday I started a Low Amylose diet which is supposed to be super for women with PCOS. It is really really really hard to lose weight and really really really easy to gain it with my hypothyroidism and my PCOS but being on metformin has helped and just since Monday with this diet I have lost 5 pounds already! Five point four to be exact. It's nice to see results for the first time in forever.

4. This girl.

 

 

 

I can't believe she has been 4 almost a whole week. She's so much fun.

 

5. TV shows are trying to kill me. Or send me into a spiral of depression. Or something. No spoilers, but between Grey's thing and then what's going on with Booth on Bones and the twist on Once Upon a Time, I just am not in a stable enough place for this!



 

 

 

I have the laziest of lazy weekends planned. A lot of just sitting. There might be a trip to the movies to see Avengers Age of Ultron but I haven't decided yet. That guy I married and the first born might go and us girls might stay home and eat brownies because Mommy's uterus has been invaded by velociraptors. We'll see! At any rate, I am really excited to sit around. Happy weekend!

 

 

 

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