Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Living with Infertility- Clomid Update

Three weeks ago I got the results of my blood work back for my first Clomid cycle. I wrote this very soon after but never posted it because it felt too raw at the time.

I am writing this raw and fast while I'm feeling my feelings.

My cycle day 21 blood work showed that I didn't ovulate with Clomid this cycle.

It was news that I wasn't expecting. I really thought it had worked. My body was showing all the signs of wanting to ovulate but I guess it just didn't get pushed far enough. I really needed some good news and this was a hard blow.

We'll try double the dose next cycle. But I can't help being so upset and disappointed and sad. I am dreading another cycle, dreading more medicine, dreading OPKs and basal body thermometers and prenatal vitamins and more blood work and waiting for another call. I'm dreading planned sex and preseed applicators and soft cups and how sterile and scheduled sex becomes.

July 11th, tomorrow, is 2 years since we started trying to have a baby. Two years of my life. I had a 2 year old back then. I can't hide being angry at the universe or being terrified that this will never work. I'm so jealous of my pregnant friends and friends that have just had babies. I've started to unlike all of the parenting stuff that I follow on social media so that I don't have to see pregnant women and babies everywhere because it's so hard. I can't put into words how hard it can be.

Right now everything is just really heavy. This is the real life journey of infertility. There are very few ups and a lot of really deep downs.

I'm just trying to make it through the day right now. It's hard to tell people who knew about the blood work and it's harder to hear them being positive and trying to make me be positive. I just want to be miserable for a while. 

Three weeks later I am... less hopeless. I know sometimes it takes some tweaking before you get the right dose. I just really expected it to work. My body was going crazy and doing things it had never done before. Fertile cervical mucus, for one thing. I had darker OPKs than ever before, though never any positive ones (but I had stopped testing after a certain point) and my left ovary was really sore and painful, which I'd hoped was a good sign. I'm not excited about more cycles and my anxiety is going crazy over this but I am back to trying to be hopeful. Trying to see the silver lining. I did have really good, positive signs of ovulation wanting to happen. So hopefully with the extra 50mg of medication it will make an egg pop. Fingers and toes crossed.

I'm still waiting for a period to show up. Cycle day 43 now. I'm not in a big hurry. Last cycle we got to cycle day 37 and decided to go for meds to bring on my period but this time I am hoping if I wait long enough it will happen on its own and maybe having a natural cycle will be better. There's a lot going on in life right now and I'm happy to put off my Clomid cycle for a while.

I'm just trying to keep my head above water right now. Just keep swimming, right?

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