Alice's 4th

We were lucky enough to celebrate our daughter's 4th birthday this weekend. First with a little get together with my family and best friend and then yesterday, the actual day, with some fun at home.

We had a fun day outdoors planned on Saturday. Cupcakes in the park, a fair and then strawberry picking. Unfortunately the weather didn't get the memo and it was storming all day. My sister graciously allowed us to have the birthday shenanigans in her house. I was so thrilled to get there and find that she and my mom had decorated the whole house. How sweet of them! I didn't expect it at all and it was just the nicest. We ate burgers and had cupcakes and opened gifts before heading out to bowl. It was a really lovely day. We're blessed with wonderful folks.

Yesterday was the actual big day and we started off with the traditional tower of donuts and opening our gifts, the most important being a Super girl outfit that she LOVES. She hasn't taken it off since. Her daddy is very happy with this.

After that we surprised the kids with a trip to Chuck E Cheese and although a lot of the games were broken I think they enjoyed themselves. Then it was frozen yogurt and we picked up some pizza and went home to watch a movie and eat dinner and have brownies. We ended her day by reading and snuggling.

She's such a cool kid. It feels like she has been here forever and it's totally nuts to think that just 4 years ago she was only about 9 hours old. I'm so grateful for our wild hearted, fierce, bright little book worm.

Dear Daughter- Happy Birthday

Dear Alice Mayhem,

Where does the time go? One day you'll understand. People tell you that life flies by but having kids... the days are so so so long but the years are SO short. It seems like just last week you were on my chest for the first time and you were so angry and you yelled so hard and I just laughed and laughed at the perfection of you. And now here you are, at your 4th birthday, so bold and blonde and sassy and brave and kind.

Three was a great age. It has been my favorite so far. I said that about 2 as well so I'm sure I'll love 4 too. But 3... three was independence and dressing yourself and imagination and so much twirling. Three was an obsession with superheroes and the color red and Frozen, especially Anna. Three was conversations for the first time and your first big girl bed (in red, of course!) and learning to spell your name and draw little stick figure potato people. Three was an adventure. Even when you were screaming FINE! at me and stomping your little feet after hearing 'no' about something, you were such a sparkling little thing. Three has been goofy smiles and kitten snuggles and playing Mommy and writing pretend letters to people and so many firsts. Three has been the year of asking 'why?' to everything, the year of wanting to learn to read like big brother, the year of taking leaps into deep water.

Four will be our last year home together and that's something I dread. You have never been away from me. My heart is being prepared to send you off to school in a year. I know that you are going to be in so much trouble! You will never take anyone else's sass and I love that about you. I know that you will take care of yourself. You are bossy and I hope you never lose that because bossy women mean business and bossy women take care of things and bossy women don't take crap and I want for you to never take anyone else's crap.

Four is also the last year I can protect you from everyone else's words. You are the most confident person I have ever met. Frequent phrases from your mouth include- 'Wow, I'm awesome!' or 'I'm so cool!' or 'I am big and strong!' and I hope that you hold onto that forever. There will be so many people who try to tell you that you aren't strong and important and beautiful and special and cool but you are THE COOLEST. Just being a woman, people are going to try to shush you and I hope you keep all of this loudness you have at 3 because you deserve to be heard and you  have important things to say! Take up space. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you don't deserve this space that you've carved out in the universe. You are special. You are important. You are a miracle. Make waves! Make huge gigantic waves in the world because you can and because you want to. There is only one of you and the only person who can diminish who you are is YOU. Always know that there are 2 people in this world that think you are the most beautiful thing on the planet and every time we see you laugh or twirl or smile or yell or sass or sing or sleep or stuff your face, it takes our breath away.

You are growing so much faster than I imagined you would. It goes by so fast and it's so bittersweet. I love seeing you become a tiny human with morals and compassion and thoughts and independence but teaching you all of these things is just pushing you further out into the world and one day I'll have done my job and you'll be gone. A huge piece of my heart will always go with you. My love will always find you.

You are 4! I can't believe you are 4. And you know what, Alice? You are AMAZING. You are made of star stuff. There is only one of you and there could never be another. You're fantastic. You make us so much braver. Happy birthday, my brave little beastie.

Be blessed, my darling girl. I delight in you.

Love always and always and forever and then some,

Your Mama

FO Friday

The past week has been pretty hardcore on my anxiety. I am not sure exactly what is up, it could have something to do with medication, but I have been really anxious on a regular basis. Especially last Thursday and Friday. I decided the remedy was picking up a crochet hook and making some small things. Potholders won out and that is how my wall of potholders was born.

Flower

African flower mandala

Strawberry

Owl trivet

 

The cherry potholder I made up as I went and the granny square one as well. At some point soon I will try to have a tutorial up on them.

 

 

I enjoyed it so much and it did such good for my anxiety that I decided to go ahead and make some more. My mom had seen these and loved them so I thought I'd make her some fun, fresh colored ones for Mother's Day. I like to get a jump on things, if you can't tell.

 

 

 African flower mandala potholder

 





Little Spring Mandala

This isn't a potholder pattern but I just did the mandala up to round 7 and then made a double crochet back for it (same as the African flower mandala potholder pattern) and then single crocheted them together and made the edge with *sc, hdc, hdc, sc, slip stitch into next 2 stitches, repeat*.

 

I'm so happy with them and I can't wait to give them to mom in a couple of weeks. I think I might make a couple of dishcloths to go with them and buy her a plant of some sort.

 

 

And that's it for me this week. We're gearing up for the daughter's birthday, which I am so excited for but also spending a lot of time with big fat tears in my eyes over how my baby is growing up so fast. That's just how I roll.

National Infertilty Week- How You Can Help

I did a post about what NOT to say and now I want to focus on how you can help a loved one going through infertility.


Be kind. It's really that simple. Before something slips out of your mouth, really think about it. How is this comment going to help them? Empower them? Give them hope?

Arm yourself with facts. Do a google search and learn a bit about what they are going through. There is a lot of info out there. Don't research this in an attempt to give them unsolicited advice, do it to give yourself more knowledge so that you can better empathize with them.

Listen. When they are struggling- listen. When they need to cry- be still with them and listen. When they are angry- listen. Certainly it's okay to tell them to keep hoping and it's okay to try to lift them up. But when we are angry/scared/sad we aren't really looking for advice. We just want someone to HEAR US. The flip side of this, of course, is to not push us to talk when we don't want to. It's probably a good idea to not ask us about babies.

Show support on Mother's/Father's day. There is also Bereaved Mother's Day for mother's of angel babies. Be kind. Remember your loved ones who are struggling or can't conceive or who have lost babies.

Please don't talk to us about every pregnant person you know. Now, this one is not universal. I'm sure there are some infertile couples who don't mind. It is pretty personal to my own situation, actually. It seems that since this whole secondary infertility business got started, everyone and their sister is pregnant. And not just that, although it's certainly hard enough to deal with, but I also have to hear about it from everyone. I don't want to hear about it. I don't care what friend of yours I don't know is pregnant. I don't care. Please don't talk to me about other people and their pregnant selves.

Invite us to showers. But please be okay if we decide not to go. We want to be included and thought of, but sometimes we just can't. And that should be okay. Our feelings are valid.

Validate our choices and feelings. Even just telling us that this all really freaking sucks. Don't question what we want to spend our money on or what tests we want to do and don't question if we decide to stop treatments. Just support us. That's your only job.

I hope this helps someone. I hope that what you take away from these posts is not that we infertile peeps are bitter or angry or demanding, but that we have a disease and we are struggling and trying to deal with it as best we can.

National Infertility Awareness Week- What NOT to Say

April 19 through the 25 of 2015 marks National Infertility Awareness Week.

Being on this infertility journey (now for the second time) for the past 2 years, I feel like I can definitely give some advice about what's appropriate to say and what you should never ever say ever ever ever to any infertile person or person trying to conceive.

For today, lets focus on common things people say and why you shouldn't/why it's hurtful.

Just relax. Let me explain simply- Infertility is a disease. It can be caused by a multitude of things but infertility itself is recognized as a disease. So for example, if you knew someone with diabetes, would you tell them to relax and it would get better? If your family member had cancer, would you tell them that relaxing would make it go away? No? I thought not. So don't say that to someone who is struggling to get pregnant. Thanks.

Don't complain about your pregnancy. Look, I know pregnancy sucks. I get it. It's not a picnic. But don't you have friends that are pregnant or that CAN get pregnant that you can complain to? Don't go to the infertile people complaining about how much you hate being pregnant. It makes you look like an asshole.

Don't question their feeling over being able to have a 2nd (or 3rd or 10th) child. Your idea of our family isn't what matters. Saying 'you already have 1 kid, why do you need more' is not helpful or kind. I am sad because my plan for my family and my dream for my family is heartbreakingly difficult. And it's hard to let go of a dream. Not to mention that so much of infertility is secondary infertility, meaning a couple conceived easily and then when they tried for more children there was a problem.

Why aren't you trying IVF/Why don't you just adopt? Oh man, I never even thought of that! I'll get right on that. Let me go check out my money tree in the back yard. Shoot. Wouldn't you know it... it's bare. IVY and adoption cost lots of moolah. And chances are, whoeve you are making that dumb comment to has already looked into every option. You are not helping.

There are worse things that can happen. Lets not play that game, okay? Maybe my problems pale in comparison to someone else's. Maybe your problem seems dumb to me compared to my ovaries not working. Lets just not go there. Treat everything with kindness.

That about sums up April's 'ways to not be a turd to an infertile person' seminar. It honestly seems like common sense to me, but you'd be surprised how terribly often these things come up. It's almost shocking. And it is always hurtful. Please be kind.

This week....

This week we say goodbye to 3 and hello to 4 as Miss Mayhem gets one year older. Birthdays make me a soppy puddle of a Mama. I am so grateful to get to watch these gorgeous creatures bloom and grow and that I get to say I am Oliver and Alice Mae's Mommy.

 

 

What adventure does 4 have in store for us? We can't wait to find out.

How I Deal With Negative Pregnancy Tests

There are going to be more negative than positive tests in most people's life time. Especially if your ovaries are confused. So what to do when the infamous Big Fat Negative symbol appears on your pee stick? Here's what I do-

1. First of all, I let myself be sad. And sometimes that might last a while. An hour, a day, a week. I don't make myself rush it. I try not to drown in it but I definitely don't tell myself not to feel it. Holding it back only leads me to act crazy at some other point. It's also just easier to deal with other people's happy baby and pregnancy announcements (which seem never ending) when I am letting myself feel sad when I need to. That's an important word. NEED. I need to feel this way so that I can let it pass and then feel better.
2. I treat myself. Or more accurately, Husband treats me. If I've had a bad day, he can be counted on to bring me a big steak home and smother it in onions and blue cheese. Or a bottle of wine or a chocolate pie. Or all 3.
3. Get out. I'm 100% more likely to be miserable and angry and sad if I'm stuck at home. So we go out. We go to the craft store and I get some yarn. We get frozen yogurt or go out for dinner or go for a walk in the swamp.
4. I am grateful. When it's really bad, and it usually is if I'm being honest, I remember that I'm blessed. I remember how easy it was to get pregnant with our accidental first born and I remember how happy I was when we got our positive test with our daughter after over 2 years off birth control. I remember that I had 2 healthy babies and I am lucky enough to have 2 gorgeous, robust, wild children.
5. I talk about it. It's not always easy because often it seems people are very uncomfortable with the subject of failed pregnancies or infertility and I've come into contact with a lot of assholes who made me feel like I wasn't allowed to take up space and feel my own feelings. I do try to be open though. Even if it's just with my husband. I know that if I can get some of it off my chest, I can feel better faster.
6. I remember hope. This is not always easy. I am a Debbie downer. Anxiety girl. I assume the worst. Sometimes it means opening up to someone, sometimes it means opening pinterest and looking at hopeful quotes, sometimes it means visiting some infertility sites and listening to happy endings. It is hard to have hope because you get a lot more crushed when you're positive and looking for the best. Negativity, or 'realism' as I like to call it when referring to myself, is chain mail that we don to protect our spirits from what we feel is inevitable. It gets so heavy. Hope lifts us up. It's like tying balloons to our heart strings.

This infertility stuff isn't easy and it toughens you right up. It also breaks you down monthly and makes you spill your guts out all over the floor. It's helpful to know yourself and to know how to best bandage it all back up.

Baby dust and blessings.