We are entering our 4th month of trying to get pregnant and it's pretty rough, I have to say. I wasn't anticipating it taking us long at all. I kind of thought we'd get pregnant in the first month, like we did with our daughter. This 4 months stuff has me a little on edge and stressed but it gets easier as time goes by, strangely enough.
I'm the mommy of a nearly 6 year old boy (WHAT, but where's my babyyyyy) and a 2 and a half year old chickadee. Both are crazy amazing little humans. Annoying, frustrating, loud and totally brilliant. Smart as can be, gorgeous, SUPER blonde and pale with blue gray eyes just like Daddy and gaps in their front teeth.
Real talk- I got pregnant accidentally at 19 and that was really hard. I was using birth control and being safe but super sperm and over achieving egg decided to combine anyway. I was 20 when my son was born, my then boyfriend (now husband) and I got married 10 months later and we struggled for about 2 years to get a foot hold in life before we finally got our own place. We decided to start trying to have a baby soon after and got pregnant the first month. Finding out we were pregnant was amazing. We'd wanted to have more kids since our son turned 1 but we'd been waiting for the right time. Nine months later we had a beautiful bundle of Alice Mae and life was lovely as a family of 4.
We've struggled since with pregnancy losses. Two losses in 2 years. I had an IUD and apparently it wasn't placed properly (I was told when I had it out 4 months ago) and so it seems to have been the cause of miscarrying. Once back in November 2011 and then again this past July. It has been so hard. I'm not good at talking about it because it makes me feel raw and exposed. After our last miscarriage we decided to have the IUD taken out and that we were ready to start trying to get pregnant.
It took me a couple of weeks to commit to the decision to try for another baby and that's because I'm terrified. I am so scared that the IUD wasn't the cause, that it's my body. I've struggled so much with `not trusting my body, especially since July. I felt betrayed. To have something that you want so badly stripped away from you isn't something I have words for. I loved my babies, even though they were only in me for such a short time. I was a part of them as much as they were a part of me. I wanted them. They were ours and they were wanted and I hope that their little spirits felt that.
Deciding to have another baby meant deciding to put faith in my body to be able to get pregnant and stay pregnant and it has been a really hard journey so far. I am so scared of getting pregnant and so scared that I won't at the same time. When I do get that positive sign (I have to convince myself to say 'when' all the time and not 'if' because we want positive thoughts!) I will be totally over the moon but I don't think anything or anyone will keep me from being afraid until we hit the safe mark and even after that...
My husband is amazing and he keeps me grounded. I can talk to him about everything and that helps more than I'm sure he even knows.
And so we are 4 months in! Still trying, still not pregnant. Hoping and trying to have faith and remind myself that 4 months isn't very long at all!
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