Thursday, August 13, 2015

Living with Infertilty- An Update

I know there probably isn't anyone out there reading this and that's okay. It's more so that I have something to look back on one day and remember how it was.

I'll be into the 60's of my cycle this week. I'm cycle day fifty something now. Sixty will fall on Friday or Saturday. No period, no signs of a period. I had said back when we found out that our first round of Clomid didn't work that I'd call at 60 days and ask for Provera to get it started. Coming up on that date now, I am dreading it and hating having to call and hating that my body won't just act normally. Even if it didn't ovulate, I'd love for my uterus to at least shed itself at the proper time.

I'm feeling let down by my doctor. She isn't giving me a lot of info. I don't feel informed. I'm worried all the time and not sure what is going on or what the next steps are.

I'm dreading the start of another cycle. The timed sex, the temping, the hoping, the waiting, the medication now upped 50mg more, not knowing how it will affect me.

I am tired. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of trying to put on a positive, happy face and pretend that everything is fine and I'm okay. I'm tired of feeling like if I am sad or negative or admit that I don't have much hope left then I am lame and people are judging me for not being a bright ball of sunshine.

I want a future plan. Something long term. But that's not possible right now.

We are thinking about the future. How long will we continue to do this? Right now, I think setting a year long mark is good. This time next year if I'm not pregnant, that's it for me. I might not go back onto birth control but I can't keep actively trying forever. I say a year because I feel like we need to use the resources we have while we can, but part of me (most of me) wants to stop sooner and try to find some peace of mind. I know my husband supports it. We'll see how it goes. After this cycle of 100mg of Clomid, I don't know if there is another step if it doesn't make me ovulate. The next step might just be quitting.

If we had a big enough house I would easily abandon this notion of pregnancy and these medications and I'd start the foster adoption process. But we have to wait until we are in a better town with a bigger place.

Some days it's hard to get up and face it again. The past 30+ days since we found out I didn't ovulate with the first round of Clomid have been kind of nice. It was hard at first because I was mourning that hope we lost but then it turned into almost a vacation from trying to conceive. We know nothing is happening in there so there's no pressure. I'll really miss that feeling of everything being okay for a while. At the same time, I feel like we have to try while Clomid is being offered.

Just jumbled thoughts of an infertile today. I'll probably be started on Provera by this weekend, unless my doctor has a concern about it, and that means I'll start Clomid in about 2 weeks. Trying to get out my negativity in a healthy way so that we can maybe be positive and excited.

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