Waiting

I feel like my whole life is spent waiting around lately. No matter how much I try to stay in the moment or spend my time doing fun things like little trips with the family and crocheting something new, in the back of my mind I am counting down cycle days and doing math to see how long since my last Provera pill.

It has been 9 days since I finished Provera. It was supposed to get my period started so that I could make the trip to the doctor for the fun internal examination of my ovaries and a possible prescription for Clomid. The nurse said my period would start 2-10 days later. I know I'm still in the sweet spot and it could start any second but as my 4 year old would say, waiting is hard.

I feel heavy all the time. Heavy with waiting and hoping and feeling like hoping is just dumb at this point. Even though I pray and hope and try to be a beaming light of positivity and unicorns and rainbow sprinkles, I really just want to give my uterus the finger or smack her around and tell her to get her shit together because this is just getting ridiculous. And why NOW. Why after I finally get to see the doctors? Wait until then to start being crazy. That's totally fine. Go ahead and bleed me almost to death and then go dry as the Sahara. I can finally get help but not unless my uterus decides to shed and she isn't having it.

Wishing and hoping and waiting. Nothing can keep me busy enough. Who wishes for a period? This girl. I want cramps SO BAD. I've got the Midol ready to go. Every wishing well I am throwing a penny in. Every eyelash gets a wish. I am anxiously waiting on my birthday next Wednesday because I am going to wish so hard. Harder than I have ever wished before. Please please please. Please make my uterus act nicely. Please make me healthy. Please fill this hole in our life. Please give us a baby.

My kid asked me on Friday 'mommy, are you having a baby?' and I said no honey and she just sighed sadly. I felt the little bit of hope in me crumble. I can't keep the faith alive if I can't even get my uterus to do what it's supposed to do. We can't go any further if I can't even get a period started. I feel like I'm failing. I'm constantly at battle with myself. That's something I think a lot of people don't understand about infertility. The intense feeling that you are so messed up and you can't do anything right. You can't even do what you are biologically meant to do. Most of the time I can push that stuff aside. But lately... it's right there all the time taunting me and making me feel awful about myself. I feel like a failure.

Waiting waiting waiting. Wishing wishing wishing. Please please please. To sum up-