No other quote I've seen has ever summed up living with infertility so well. I feel like a creature between worlds. Flickering in and out of a world full of pain and sadness and a world of bright, feathery, tickling hope.
Today is a hopeful day but a scary one. Today is my first fertility appointment. Today, I might get some answers. I am scared beyond all imaginings. I have a list of things I want to discuss tucked away into my purse. I have my book to read while I wait. I have my outfit picked out and ready. I have my insurance card safely in place. But I don't feel ready. I feel like we are finally headed toward the light at the end of this seemingly endless dark tunnel and somehow that is even scarier. In ignorance there is more hope. Not knowing what is wrong has some freedom.
Hopefully, and I am hopeful, I come home this evening with something good. Hopefully I come home loving my new doctor and with a plan of action to have a baby. I am keeping the dark, scary thoughts at arms length and letting the hope wash over me.
All I want in the whole world today is for something good. For this woman to look at me and say that she really thinks we have a chance at making another baby and bringing it earthside. I need this so desperately.
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