This past weekend someone close to us gave birth to their baby. I don't talk out loud to many people about how much people having babies affects me but today I want to. It is not unusual for me to feel guilty for how I feel. It's not unusual for me to bottle things up. When babies are born to someone close to me, I feel helpless in a hurricane of my own emotions. I am so down that it seems like I'll never be okay again. There's a lot of crying, a lot of anger, a lot of why not me.
It is really hard to watch other people have babies. It's really hard to show up for them. Sometimes I can't. This weekend, I couldn't. I just couldn't. And I recognized that in myself, gave myself some grace and accepted that it was best for me and my little family if I kept my distance for now. And you know, that is totally okay. Maybe everyone won't get it. Maybe someone will be mean or judgmental. At this point in my life I am happy to be able to understand that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about my decisions for myself. I am doing the best that I can. I am showing up when I can and being there when I can but first and foremost I have to think of myself and be gentle on me. So when I know that something is going to push me into a dark place, I step back and say no. Saying no is one of the best and most important life lessons anyone can learn.
Because I decided to keep some distance, I have been healthier and happier and more stable. I know that if I had made the decision to ignore my inner voice and go there out of guilt or a sense of obligation, I would not have had such a good week so far. I'm proud of me. Eventually (soon) I will make the trip. It will hurt. But it will also be really lovely and wonderful to hold a new person. I hope that the loveliness outweighs the hurt.
As for a fertility update- My fertility blood work appointment, that I assumed would be cancelled due to needing some hormone treatment for excessively dangerous uterine bleeding, was yesterday. It wasn't cancelled! I am hoping to hear back by the end of next week and really hoping for some answers and some medication.
I am trying to keep cautiously optimistic. I don't want to get my hopes up too much because there's no guarantee right now about anything. They might not find anything wrong. They might not prescribe medication. Medication might have no effect. Right now I'm just trying to be happy that something is happening, the wheels are turning, we are slowly moving forward to Maybe Baby.