I have really tried to take on a gracious attitude that reflects how grateful I am for the things I have and how hopeful I am for positive things in the future. But sometimes it all really sucks and it's okay to say that.
Currently I am taking a medication that is supposed to regulate my periods. I take it every day and have been for close to 2 months. I realize it takes time to get things fixed in there but so far I am either not having a period when I need one or I am bleeding nearly to death. Did I mention this medication has been giving me daily headaches? Yeah, that's happening. And the cherry on top of that sundae is that now those headaches are full blown migraines that leave me a sniveling mass of couch potato, my eyes covered with a cool cloth, unable to do the simplest of things like get up and make myself something to eat or put puzzles together with my daughter or tidy up. It feels like my head will split open and I'll die right there. That's how bad it is. I'm no stranger to migraines, but these are becoming so often that my day to day life is suffering.
I'm taking this medication and now I am probably going to need another medication to start my period because my body has decided to go the opposite way of what it was doing. Instead of bleeding constantly, my uterus has remained as dry as a desert. So we'll need meds to start my period so that I can go to the doctor for an internal exam to get more meds that will hopefully make me ovulate and will probably also turn me into a moody bitch. All with just the tiny small itty bitty fraction of a hope that we can get my body to do what it's meant to do, which is to ovulate, so that I can even have a tiny small itty bitty fraction of a chance to get pregnant. And I am doing it because this is what I want. I realize it's my choice and I'm putting myself through it. I also think it's bullshit that I have to go through this and some days, like today, I am really unhappy about it and I'm in a lot of pain and I'm tired of my body sucking.
So that's where I'm at. And I'm okay with it. Because not every day can be a silver lining kind of day. Not every day is double rainbows and unicorns and buckets of daisies. Some days really suck and sometimes it's stretches of days that really suck and saying 'this sucks' doesn't make me lame. In fact, saying that this sucks and sucks hard kind of makes me feel better.
Just to end on a positive note, here is a text Husband sent me after I messaged him about being miserable and having a migraine-
'I can't even begin to understand how hard you have it and everything you are suffering through, just know that I will always be here to support and comfort you in anything you need.'
Thank God for such an awesome partner.